Sew Fetch

Stop Trying To Make Fetch Happen: A Golden Globes Story

Full disclosure: I did not actually watch the Golden Globes. A strange turn of events caused me to instead be tuned into the Giants game, while drinking non-light beer and eating the celery stalks from my dude friends’ order of chicken wings (I will watch football but refrain from resembling a caveman while dining thank you very much). Despite such atrocity, I did tune in to the internetz for coverage of what really mattered–the dresses.

Some of the dresses were really ugly. Some were really fantastic. Every year, I wonder what makes celebrities who wear jeans and T-shirts to CVS (Stars! They’re just like us!) feel the need to don spacesuits on the red carpet, and this year proved no exception.

Let’s start with the strange. Seven years ago, a horribly spoiled 17 year old dragged her parents across the two boroughs (Bronx and Staten Island don’t count, Queens only counts for Asian food and P.S.1) for months in search of the perfect prom dress. Dozens of trips to Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Neiman’s and Nordstrom’s later, she ended up finding a near-ideal dress in a boutique in Brooklyn, and, with the help of daddy paying in ca$h, got it embellished and altered and sized to fit her perfectly. This was the dress:

[Yes, that is me at senior prom. Practicing the skinny arm already. Yes, my mother let me out of the house and into the Waldorf-Astoria in that. She meant well, and I was a force to be reckoned with]

Over half a decade later, a renowned designer toiled away in her workshop creating a masterpiece of a gown. To her great joy, starlet-of-the-moment Rooney Mara chose to wear said gown on the Golden Globes red carpet. This was the dress:

[Rooney Mara in Nina Ricci]

You GUYS. Further analysis:

[We even have the same hairstyle, although, Rooney, girl, you could have benefited from some earrings. Photo Credit 1: My Mom, 2006. Photo Credit 2: Tom+Lorenzo, 2012]

See, mom? I knew that dress was worth it. Now, could the friend who’s Hamptons house I left it in at after prom let me know if it’s still there because if so, I plan on wearing it for my next birthday. Seriously. Everyone in my high school prom limo–do you know where this dress may be? I want to sell it on eBay.

To make matters even weirder, there was  this Golden Globes number:

[Missi Pyle in unknown, image via Tom+Lorenzo]

[Me in Macy’s Prom Section, Senior Prom 2005 (Yeah, I went twice. I sometimes think I peaked in high school). Photo credit via my high school boyfriend’s mom. Hi, Ms. Z!]

Look, I don’t know who’s styling the stars these days, but perhaps do your research on my MySpace profile first to eliminate faux paus like these. It’s embarrassing for everyone (but kind of awesome for me).

Some people did look good at the Golden Globes. These included:

[Charlize Theron in Dior. What a babe]

[Madeleine Stowe in Vera Wang. Why isn’t anyone talking about this dress? She looked stunning. Also, Revenge is the best bad show on television]

[Helen Mirren in Badgley Mischka. Woman is 66 and stunning]

[Julie Bowen in Reem Acra. People complained that this dress looked  too much like Betty Draper, which is like complaining that your steak is too juicy or your ice cream is too sweet and cold. She looked like Betty Draper, and it worked]

[Emma Stone in Lanvin. Girl can do no wrong]

Hollywood stylists–don’t forget to consult my high school wardrobe for the Oscars.



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