Springtime Apparel (For The Lazy and Pale)

One of the only problems with spring weather is that after a long winter hibernation, one’s body is often pale, large, and not ready to face the sunny world. I love a 70 degree March day as much as any other chick but as much as I’d like to throw on a pair of denim cutoffs and a crop top and be on my way, I don’t, because a) I would probably be dismissed from my workplace and b)my legs and mid-section are not only translucent but happily enjoying the side effects of a winter spent eating my way through the city and being “ugh, too cold to work out”. The solution? Shoes.

The only thing one needs to do to get their feet spring-ready is call up Ming at the cheap nail salon on 33rd and make an appointment for a nice, long, pedicure (before you start making accusations about race/cuticle association, rest assured that this is not a broad generalization–my manicurist’s name actually is Ming, and she actually does work on 33rd. So booyah). Pick up several weeks worth of People mag and settle in while Ming attacks you with a pedi-egg and sighs, “Miss Nikki, it has been veryyyy long time,” staring at your feet as if they are alien beings. An hour later, with no gym or spray-tan necessary, VOILA! Ready for spring.

Another great thing about shoes? Your feet never look too fat. Some selections to get ahead of the game:

[Top: Sam Edelman, ASOS, H+M, Lanvin. Bottom: ASOS, Opening Ceremony, Sonia By Sonia Rykiel, Melissa Star]

If you’re so inclined, another thing that rarely makes one look too fat: the maxi-dress (notable exceptions: maxi dresses that are too tight in the middle, and maxi dresses that tie around your neck in a halter. What self-respecting grown woman wears a V-neck halter dress? (Edit: Several of my smaller-bosomed friends have pointed out that when one is not a size D, one can actually wear this and look cute. All I know is last time I attempted this trend I was offered a seat on the subway, and since this never happens to me when I look hot, I can only assume I looked preggers. Most maxi dresses, however–instant slimmers).